cityofblah

Face down ass up, that's the way we like to fuck.

Every once in a while the regime starts again.
And I also decided to work on the relationship with my dad.
I'm going to Atlanta Oct 10th.

Sticky icky.

I love it when the excitement of the trip hits me again.
It feels new when I forget about it and then it comes back.
I can't wait till December.

Ah fuck.
I guess drunken summer nights are officially over.
...But I still have my weekends.

I find it a little funny that so many of your interests are things that I gave to you.
Books, movies, locations.
And you share them as if they were your own, and she thinks it's all you.
You stole a lot of my preferences and life dreams.
But in the end there's always going to be a piece of me in both of you.
I win.

Time to get some shit done.
Clearing out, music, and art are on the itinerary.
Peaceful, the world lays me down.

It's such a sweet feeling
The feeling I get
Close the door, make no noise, keep it a secret
I can't help thinking
We've only just met

I can feel heartache
Comin' my way
Feels so right, the way you are
Come here and kiss me
I can't help thinking
This isn't okay

But I'm lost in you, I'm lost in you
But I'm lost in you, I'm lost in you

Maybe it's easier
To close my eyes
If I can't see her fucking you up, keeping you inside
I can't help thinking
This isn't my life

I feel no sadness
When you say she cries
See the way you look at her, keeping it inside
I can't help thinking
This isn't alright

But I'm lost in you, I'm lost in you
But I'm lost in you, I'm lost in you

But I'm lost in you, I'm lost in you
But I'm lost in you, I'm lost in you

But I'm lost in you, I'm lost in you
But I'm lost in you, I'm lost in you

Some things just seem too real.
And some things I just don't want to face.
I just want things to happen. I want to grow up. I want a change. I need a change.
I need a job because I need money and I'm tired of Orlando.
I'm going to New York.
I know I am.
I'm going to travel.
I have a place to stay. I have people to go with.
I just need the time to lapse and the money.
I want the semester to start because then I'll feel like I'm actually doing something.
I'm really looking forward to the Georgia road trip and I really think I may wanna go to Atlanta for school.
I don't really have many other options.
I don't want to go to UCF and I don't really want to go to Ringling.
I've been changing and I'm developing newer interests in things I didn't pay attention to before.
Like embracing my femininity and putting more effort into the way I look or dress.
I always felt like I was too young to do anything and I had to wait.
I finally feel like this is the time. What is there to wait for?
I'm young and these are the years to make things happen and take chances and do things I'll regret later.
Except I don't really regret things. So I'll just be making memories.
I've known more people, and done more things, and been to new places, and had more fun in these couple of months than I've had in the past three years.
I can't pretend like this didn't happen, but over time I'm slowly getting used to it.
And I'm fine.

Second place has always got a whole lot to prove.

Beautiful show last night.
I hope I get a chance to see them both perform again soon.

( <3 )

I felt like posting for no particular reason.
I found a poem that I like.
I found an interesting artist.
I found out a word in English that I didn't know existed and is almost the same as in Spanish with the same meaning and everything.

I just got back from Billy's.
I'm going out Saturday for Chris' birthday.
I may or may not will get wasted.
Night.

Felíz Día De La Independencia

It's not a triangle. It's a pentagon.

I was just sitting outside smoking and a tiny squirrel climbed up the stairs.
I don't know what it was trying to do but someone was making noise downstairs so it got scared and started ducking.
It was so cute.
I was trying not to move, but eventually it ran away.

In other news, today proved to be fairly productive.
I went to the gym for an hour, came home and cleaned the house and now I'm having lunch/dinner.
I have a couple little things to do till I'm done cleaning and then I'm gonna take a shower and then hopefully work on my piece.
Maybe I'll chill with Chris since he's getting back from Mississippi today.

I feel like I have some direction again. Finally.

People meet people in the strangest of places.
The places we meet people isn't a direct reflection of the type of person they are, and it's not a direct reflection of what kind of friendship you'll have.
School, work, clubs, other people, hell even lame shit like myspace or facebook.
I need to stop judging my friendships and just let them pan out as they will.
I've met a lot of cool, interesting people, and all different kinds of them.
It's always more fun to have a variety of people around you.
I guess it keeps me grounded because I'm not being pulled in any one specific direction.
For the first time in a long time I feel like I have people who will be there for me if I needed them.
And I don't just mean someone who'll make me feel better if I feel low, I mean people who'll have my back if I'm getting hit on by weirdoes, people who can stand up for me, people who will defend me if the occasion arose, people who are willing to beat up other people for me, people who will buy me alcohol, people who can just some hang out if I asked.
In all seriousness it's nice to feel protected, among other things.
I can be really shallow and say it's nice to know that there's some big guys who care about me and I know that if I go out with them I won't have to deal with annoying guys, and I can just feel safe.
And we can have fun and get drunk and do stupid and silly things.
And I can have friends that I can just talk to about being slutty and I know I'm not getting judged and we can giggle and be girls, and then talk about hair and it's not a big deal.
Sure I'd like some people to be more to my liking but right now I'm content with my acquaintances.
I'm growing and I like it.

So I let someone touch my hair for the first time in about four years.

I'm quite satisfied. :]

( Befo' and after )

I hate all this indecisiveness. Make up your mind already, I'm tired of having to change my mindset every couple of hours.
I'm fine with either decision I would just hate to miss out on an opportunity because I'm waiting for something that may or may not happen.
Also, my life is completely on hold.
I don't like hanging around like this. I at least need to have a job to be comfortable with it because I need some income.
I just kind of need a routine.
Going out every night isn't really a good one, but it seems to be forming that way.
And I'm getting broke.
At least I have a pretty dress.